Mom's the Word

I see a lot of mothers out there who are very excited about their new roles. They are 100% mothers. They cook, clean, eat, sleep, sew, read, bake and play their way through motherhood and love being their children's mommies. To those women, I applaud you. Motherhood shows through me a little differently. Admittedly, I enjoy baking sometimes, but I don't often want to cook, I do not sew, playing is not that much fun for me and cleaning I could take or leave. I'm not a mommy. For the last 11 months I have tried my darndest to be that mom. To a certain degree I think all new moms expect the impossible and have strong desire to be super moms. I want our home clean, I want the child clean at all times, I want her bookshelf tidy and her clothes folded. I want to be the best at work and so on and so forth. Ladies, if you haven't figured it out already, you probably won't get all this accomplished, but if you have figured it out, send me a note and we'll chat. I stress myself out trying to keep it all together.

It's a difficult thing to admit to not be the picturesque mom. You've seen her before, possibly in the books you read your child or those read to you. She's the lady who is dressed properly, always smiles, has dinner cooked and whose life revolves around the family. I admire the woman. I don't know if she truly exists but in our household, she does not. I just do not share the parental enthusiasm of some and I don't think it makes me a bad parent. Our daughter is a relaxed, happy and smart person. She gets hugs and kisses, cooked meals and clean clothes. I read her stories and play her puzzles with her but overall, I'm not the mommy in the book or the mommy that some of my cohorts are but I seem to get the job done sans maternal fanfare.

I have often observed my mom in action and reflected on her skills and what she did over the years. There were things I thought I would do differently. I always thought she did a good job because the three of us turned out just fine but maybe I would tweak her methods. Alas, I've come to realize I'm very much like my mother. I don't have her baking and cooking skills perfected yet, and she holds more wisdom and common sense than I do, but she has a few years on me. I am taking my mother's route to parenting so far, the one I thought I would adjust. I have to think maybe she wasn't trying to be the mommy either. We weren't the lovey dovey family but there was love going around. To me she was the woman in the books and maybe she didn't think she was either. Maybe my little bits will think I am even though I do not. Time will tell I suppose. For now I will continue to take my mothering day by day and hope my daughter continues to develop positively as she has been. She certainly has taught me a lot over the last few months and I am grateful to her for that. Maybe she'll be the one to turn me from mom to mommy when I'm least expecting it. Just when I find myself not trying so hard to be one, I probably will become her.

Thrift v. Spendthrift

It certainly has been a while since my last musing and this one came to me on a recent visit to a junk site. I say junk because it is a grotesque waste of time but for some reason I visit it from time to time to get my dose of celebridiculous news. That place is People online. There was an article about a celebrity spending a large sum of money to bring an adopted pet from Australia to his US home and of course, everyone who read it needed to express themselves on how nice it was to do such a thing or on the contrary, what a waste of money it was. Nevermind the information about why the dog was adopted and that the money was not the real story. Within the comments, which are usually worth a glance for comedic value, was a poster who seemed to brag about her $900 purebred cat. She insisted that all shelter pets were ultimately worthless and 'you get what you pay for.' I could not help myself but to respond to this person and share that not all shelter pets are horrid beasts and that I was just as content with my $60 animals as she clearly is with her expensive one. Sure, I'd love a purebred cat too but I find my two homeless ones darling and entertaining. Anyway, I'm certain this individual will have a fine time sharing her expenditures with people who probably do not care. I got a good giggle from it. I thank him or her for that.

I started to think a little deeper about the high priced cat and began comparing it people owning and/or mentioning their high priced items. Admittedly I love indulging in the finer things because it gives me a smile but I also can't pass up a bargain. My bathroom stock of cosmetics is equal parts high end and $1 items. My handbag collection is a fair mix of nice and really nice. All of these items serve their purposes and the cheaper work (usually) just as well as the their name brand, expensive counterparts. So I have to wonder, what is really the point of spending the extra dollars? For me, it's not in the name dropping (or I would have always divulged my brand selections) but why I want the item and what it offers. The expensive things tend to last longer. If I spend more on a handbag than pants, it's because I probably won't wear the pants after the current season, but the bag is used regularly. I have no real need for pricey garments but I'll spend more on shoes and such. I have my limits though. Don't expect me to be buying Dolce & Gabbana or Missoni (non-Target) any time soon. If I were in a different financial situation perhaps I would have more of the fun expensive stuff but I can appreciate the Old Navy jeans for now. They are perfectly fine and bargain priced at $30. In the end, it doesn't really matter anyway and no one will be scanning my labels from what I can tell. At least I certainly hope not.

I can certainly appreciate the love of high end fashion. I'm not well versed in it by any means, but when leafing through a Vogue or Marie Claire, I think the concept of the clothes, the designs and the makeup is more of an art form than an advertisement. Someone with a creative mind designed the outfit and put it on just the right body to show off each perfectly sewn piece. Some people go to art galleries to find art, but I can easily reach for a fashion magazine. Maybe there is a reason for the multi-thousand dollar price tag on these items and the person buying it should be excited. My favor to that person bragging about it is simple. Say why you love it so much. If it's just for the sheer enthusiasm of saying what brand it is, that seems lame. Like anyone spending a fortune on a piece of art, what about it makes it worth it to you? The intricate lace details or the bold palette of colors? Surely you have something else to say about it. No one is impressed that you can list designers. Really, they aren't.

As to the cat lady on People, I hope you really like your cat but I certainly hope you get more out of your relationship with your new friend than telling everyone how much you spent. I know I'm enjoying my bargain cats - and my other niceties, both cheap and not.

Succeeding, Wanting and Needing...

The current economic and work environment has caused me to reevaluate what is really important and why it is important to me. We all have tendencies to find the grass greener on our neighbors' lawns and think the people around us must have it so much better than we do. Why do we put ourselves through the grief of jealousy? Why do I think jealousy is grievous? Well, how do you feel when you're jealous? If you are like me, you might feel yourself get agitated, excited, nervous and ever so slightly vindictive. Not the most pleasant feelings all at once.

When I was little I always looked up to my brothers. I wanted to be just like them, even to the point where I thought it was acceptable to go topless in the driveway in the summer (I was probably 5 mind you). I wanted the car and to go to the same college as one (I was accepted but went elsewhere) and wanted to have the family, house and large property of the other. They learned to drive before me, finished school before me and had houses before me. Tough competition and acts to follow when you know you have 11 years of catching up to do. Ha! My brothers were my idols and I still look up to them and go to them for advice. Sometimes I see what they think before I see what the parents would think. Or vice versa, I call the parentals first and then chat with the siblings. Either way you look at it, I still need the reassurance even after my 30th birthday. The decisions have gotten bigger these days and we have plenty on our plates but these four individuals are my life gurus, no matter what.

Along with valuing their opinions so much, I have always wanted what they had. It's good to dream big and want success for yourself and your family, but at what point do you accept the fact that what you have is good and realize that those you want to be like have had anywhere from 11-42 years more experience and I should be happy with what I've accomplished thus far. Simply put, I put too much pressure on myself and those around me. A lesson I've learned this week at work and at home. When it comes to stress, I can't deal with it. I cry and bother those around me with it. The pressure comes from wanting to have everything and having everything just perfect. I want to be the fabulous manager, the good mom, the perfect wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend and co-worker and it just doesn't always work that way. I see people at work getting promoted and it makes me want to work harder but to the point where I just get frustrated because I'm not getting the promotion fast enough. I'm not getting the house and the car I want fast enough. The wants aren't coming fast enough but as my mother graciously made me aware, the needs are already there. I have my health, a happy and healthy daughter, a caring husband who will do (and has done) anything we need, I have a job that allows me benefits, I have my family in tact and good friends on two continents. I have a car and a nice place to live and my daughter is provided excellent care during the day. Thanks be to mom for pointing that out. One day I will have those other things but like my brothers and parents, it won't be handed to me. I will have to work and shouldn't feel so entitled to have quickly what everyone else had to work hard for.

One of the other lessons of the week was that maybe I'm frustrated because some of the things I want just aren't in the cards right now. At a time, not long ago, I wanted nothing more than to become the amazing manager and count my money on weekends, but now I'm just not ready and I accept that. There is always time. I'm not going be a failure at work if I'm not in charge and in fact, I may actually get better at my job if I allow myself the time to readjust to being a working woman (and mother this time). The more important thing is to have the time with my little one, enjoy the family and for now, not worry so much about becoming a big-time manager. Forcing it won't get me there any faster and I have to pay my dues in other positions just like those before me. Honestly, I'm better at leading/managing when I don't think of it so much and maybe I should think the same about personal things too. If I just relax and let it happen and work hard, the successes will happen eventually. I'll still look up to my family and go to them for advice but I'll allow myself to use them as examples and not frustrate myself with the things they have that I don't yet.

With This Bing, I Thee Web

First calculator made in the 1960s, Boston, MA

I was revisiting my thoughts on technology lately and thought it appropriate to make a post. I've decided I have a love/hate relationship with today's technology and I'll share that now. I was reading through my online junk news a few days ago and there was a piece on the invention and enhancement of the modern calculator. I was shocked at the sheer size of the original and was fascinated by how small and convenient this machine has gotten over the years. What an amazing feat to have not only invented such a device but be able to constantly make it better and useful. Now, this item, once filling a room, is available on your mobile device and in palm sized options for your purse or backpack. We certainly have come a long way in 50 years.

Other items of note that have become helpful are the ever popular mobile phone, the internet, the GPS and the computer. I have my moments with all of these devices but overall, where would we be without them? I would venture to assume that everyone who can, has a mobile phone. With its modern conveniences come it's downfalls. It's common to see individuals walking aimlessly about with phone in hand, plugging away to check facebook, SMS updates, maps, listen to music and just be all around socially off-kilter and in some cases, rude and dim. My love for this phone is due to its usefulness in emergency situations. I had my first car accident last year and what luck that I had this thing with me. I was able to call my husband, call the police, notify my insurance and the dealer all at the scene and then later schedule a doctor's visit - I was also 3 months pregnant. Go figure. I can't imagine the process without it.

GPS is another love/hate. I moved to the Boston area two years ago and without it, would have gotten lost more times than I have with the machine. Granted you need to make software updates and whatnot, but overall the love factor grossly outweighs the hate. The internet to say the least has come a long way since the early AOL keyword days. I'm an avid user, both on computer and mobile device and I have no shame proclaiming love on this. My hates are few in that viruses lurk at every corner, you can search innocently and find the not-so-innocent in return and when you aren't watching, you're being watched. Simply put, watch your virtual back and you might be a happy guy/gal. I for one, with my new laptop, am being careful this time.

ENIAC, 1947

The modern computer is another very awesome thing that has both enhanced lives and made jobs more convenient, that is to say when they work properly. As a banker, I've had my share of frustrating days at the office when the computer won't work or perform properly but in the grand scheme of things, it's a blessing. Another room filler, the computer was brought to life in July 1947. What an amazing feat in technology again. The original probably had no idea that its great great grandchildren would be used in classrooms, offices and homes everywhere adding value to lives. With this love however, is my hate.

I can embrace technology such as this only to a certain degree. I'm still not on-board (I mildly apologize for the business jargon) with using computers and technology as teachers of our children. I see little ones everywhere fiddling with iPads and computers and it makes me cringe. I understand there are valuable programs out there and I enjoyed Oregon Trail as much as the next kid from the 80s, but I still feel like hard copy and one-on-one interaction with a child is the most valuable. It worked for us so far and I think people should revisit it. That's all I'm saying on that.

So, there you have it. My midnight post is a kudos to those individuals who have slowly made us more efficient and anti-social. I'll applaud technology overall. With it, like most things, there are negatives, but what a great thing it is to be able to document your midnight trains of thought electronically and connect with your family from afar, all with a few clicks of a button. Cheers! I'm eager to see what's next.

Uncommon Courtesy

A situation happened today that inspired this post. Just because I have an infant I don't feel as though I should have special attention, however, this is not the only time I have witnessed the ever dying tradition of common courtesy.

I was taking care of my annual vehicle inspection, thanks be the Commonwealth for this ridiculous tradition and I brought the small one with me. As I was leaving, I had my daughter in one arm and my handbag in the other and headed for the door. A group of gentlemen, and I use the term very loosely, stood before the door and for some reason I expected someone to open the door for me. This did not happen. Alas, the lady cleaning the window of  the door did. Another time, during my pregnancy, I was visiting a friend at the bank and had my hands full with lunch and drinks and from inside the bank a customer saw me coming and watched me as I did a balancing act and used my foot to open and hold the door open for myself and waddle inside. I certainly hope she enjoyed the view of this spectacle because she did me no favors.

I have to wonder, is it just the difference between north and south? Is it cultural? What is going on here? I could list more examples of blatant rudeness but you get it. I grew up learning to hold doors open, offer seats to the aged, say "please" and "thank you" and other common courtesies one would expect in a social setting. Unfortunately, it seems as though these gestures are dying. People honk their car horns within the first millisecond of the light turning green, they cut you off on the road when no one is behind you, flip you the finger when they cut you off at an intersection and you just can't help but ponder the logic behind it. It certainly is a head-scratching topic for me. Are you in that big of a hurry? Perhaps you should have left 10 minutes earlier. Your tardiness is not my problem, but you have made it my problem by involving me in your unnecessary foolish and rude antics of impoliteness.

I realize that not everyone is awful but it certainly appears that it is a growing number. I find it a sad state of affairs when individuals just do not look out for one another. Would you slam the door in your mother's face? Perhaps you should exercise the same cordial gesture with strangers. I know I would appreciate it.

I'll Huff and I'll Puff...

During one of my recent drives home from work I decided to post about something that puzzles me. Smokers. To those of you who smoke, this might not be about you, but really the group of smokers who seem to think they have certain privileges that the rest of us do not exercise.

What got me thinking on my drive is the smokers' need to litter and get extra breaks that the rest of us do not have. A smoker apparently has the privilege of fulfilling his habit in front of places of business, in my face, other public places and all the while using the earth as an ashtray. I don't understand.

Why does a smoker get a smoke break? I don't get an apple break. Or perhaps a coffee break. Why does a smoker find it appropriate to hurl his cigarette rubbish outside the car window or just on the street? I don't throw my Kashi wrapper on the ground or fling my Dunkin Donuts receipt out of my car window so why does a smoker feel he is entitled to this? You sir, have a filthy habit and you are subsequently making my planet undesirable one butt at a time.

Last year I helped at a beach clean up one Saturday morning. It was a beautiful day and I walked with a small group up and down a local beach and it was not the random jug of oil or the broken water bottles that got us miffed, but the countless cigarette pieces sprinkled about. Have you no shame? This is a public place where children play in the sand and swim. People walk barefooted and enjoy the scenery and yet have to be repulsed by cigarette ends as they enjoy their summer beverage and bask in the sunshine.

I have to wonder what goes through the mind of the thoughtless smoker. I appreciate those that put their ends in the appropriate bin and wisk their exhales in the opposite direction. I don't understand the enjoyment or need for smoking, but please, if you must, be so kind as to use an ashtray. The Earth is already being abused and every little effort would be greatly appreciated.

There it is...

Parenthood

One often hears about the delights and horrors of parenting and it's easy to get sucked into the thought that once your little one arrives, you'll never sleep, eat or be human ever again and that you and your spouse will never again see one another. I suppose that is the case for some parents but fortunately our little one has been good to us. Once we learned that Dylan was on the way, we started assessing other parents' methods and devising our own and the bottom line was that we were going to do it our way. In the grand tradition of doing things a little bit differently, we decided to parent our own way too.

The most important goal I had while I was pregnant was that I planned on doing it the old fashioned way. Aside from wanting to know the gender, I wanted to do things like my mom did it. I knew enough about about the process that I quickly acknowledged that my body is a finely tuned instrument and can handle just about anything. That brought me comfort and although I knew I would experience quite a bit of uneasiness and pain, I knew that was the way I wanted it. People thought I was crazy that I didn't want pain medication or shots or this and that and I was told on end how I'd change my mind. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm stubborn and if I say I will or won't, then you know I will or won't. I was certainly not going to change my mind about something as important as the decision on how I brought my daughter into this world. So, fast forward to November 30, 2010, my daughter arrived perfectly healthy and without any sort of pain relief. I will not lie and say it was pain free but I wanted the experience. Zach and I took a childbirth class with a teacher who was an experienced midwife and a supporter of all things natural and it confirmed that we wanted to do it our way (old fashioned, if you will). The benefits were many and that made the decision easy.

Much like the time we spent making decisions on our childbirth plan, we spent an equal amount of time deciding our parenting tactics. Knowing most of it would happen later when the child was old enough for disciplining, we still agreed that we would be a team and wouldn't overrule one another. At first it was tough for me because I was home with her 24/7 and I had my schedule and processes in place throughout the day and seeing someone doing it differently after my "shift" was tough. I learned to let it go and realize that Zach's way wasn't wrong, but different. Overall we developed a rhythm to our parenting and so far it is working successfully. Communication is key! If I'm frustrated, he'll step in and vice versa. We'll continue to do things our way and read and make educated decisions about child rearing and while we don't necessarily agree on many things today's parents do, we acknowledge that it's their choice. Maybe we overthink things but I'm happy with that.

As the days pass, I realize and appreciate all the work my parents have done to bring up three children. I understand my mom more every day. I feel guilty for all those times I thought she embarrassed me as a child when really she was trying to have fun. I find myself doing the same things to my daughter as mom did to me and I'm sure Dylan will be just as embarrassed. One day she will appreciate it too. There is a long journey ahead and I hope I can provide as my parents have. All the while, we are going to do it our way.